Priya's Madness

First Times

2007-10-06T18:41:00.000+05:30

I've been in Goa for a week (stop being jealous, I was working the whole time) and Dad and I had a conversation about growing up as a manager. The most difficult thing, he told me, was to sack someone. It's hard to tell someone off, sure, but no manager can be said to have cut his eye-teeth (such a weird expression) until he has asked someone to go.

I, of course, agreed completely.

Little did I know that two days later, I would have to do it myself. We've had a significant problem with one of the sister companies recently and this person has been a part of the problem. We (Tejus and I) got him to admit his complicity, if not his involvement, and I asked him to tender his resignation.

I know that I took the right decision. I know that he had to go, if only to demonstrate my unwillingness to keep anyone dishonest to the rest of the staff, but it was still one of the hardest things I had to do. The logic of it is always there, but how does one deal with explanations and pleading? The intensity of emotion involved would have blown me away if I hadn't been braced for it.

Perhaps I am not as badass as I think I am, but I am glad I was able to stick to my guns. I think I will remember this for a long long time.

I'll also be thankful if I wasn't made to do it again in a hurry.

Hospitals

2007-09-11T12:02:00.000+05:30

Last Monday my grandmother sufferred a mild stroke. She was really lucky that mom and Kobi were around, Mom noticed her symptoms immediately and managed to rush her to the hosiptal and get her medication on time. Fortunately she has recovered completely and has returned after only 5 days in the hospital.

Of the 5 nights she spent there, I spent 4 at the hospital with her. I don't mind doing the nights - I need to work during the day and anyway mom gets way too exhausted from staying awake all night. It's kind of peaceful too because the innumerable relatives who visit during visiting hours can't cross examine me during their visit (the primary thrust of their questions have now moved from wondering why I am not married to wondering why I have not yet popped out a couple of great grandchildren for ajoo yet).

But I can't help hating the hospital. Now that is not surprising, there are very few people who actually like it. It's uncomfortable at all levels, smells of medication and is full of unhelpful nurses, attendants and worried faces. Of course your worries don't help either.

But the thing I hate the most about hospitals is their morning routine. Ajoo managed to sleep only for the first part of the night (after beating me hollow in rummy) and then woke up to either cough or use the bathroom every hour on the hour till 5:00 A.M.

At 5:00 A.M. the hospital began to stir. The nurses came in and woke her up and got her out of bed for a sponge bath. Then they got her up to change the sheets. Then they put her into bed and, as soon as she fell asleep again they came in and woke her up with injections. Half an hour later, came morning tea (for the half hour between her injections and tea time, ajoo grumbled that the tea was too late). After tea, someone came in to sweep and swab the floors. Then a separate person came in to dust the shelves and clean the trays. After that, a visit from the matron, after that came another injection. Then came breakfast, then another glass of milk and then her pills! By the time the routine was finished, it was 9:00 A.M!! FOUR hours!!

What was incredible was the amazing sense of time that everyone involved in that routine had! They managed to come in EXACTLY as grandma fell back to sleep and each and every person seem inclined to chat with her. What was up with that??

Anyway, for the moment, I am glad the ordeal is over and I can get back to routine after shaking off the exhaustion that comes on from threatening people to work quietly while grandma sleeps. :-)

Great Break!

2007-07-24T11:27:00.000+05:30

Five whole days of eating, drinking, partying, shopping and bonding with the siblings. An absolutely fun time. However, we didn't do ANY sight-seeing (the lazy and hedonistic people that we are). Kobi and Vik's idea of showing us Dubai was taking us to all their favourite food / watering spots - and that suited us just fine!

Missing Kobi and Vik already.

Only problem is that we have all come back a lot 'healthier' than when we left. We need some serious detox. We are planning on abstinence and fasting for this whole week(no, really!!).

It's been a whole week away, but I'm back at work and back to dealing with several different crises all at once when what I REALLY want to do is curl up in bed with the last Harry Potter.

Taxes

2007-07-13T16:27:00.000+05:30

I'm learning so much more about finances and tax laws now that I have to handle the financial and sales sides of the business. Sometimes it gets so confusing that I have to sit the finance chappy down and ask him to repeat himself r-ea-ll-y s-low-ly.

So now I have immense appreciation for this sms I got from my dad:

Daily Morning Prayer

Oh God, give us the Strength and Capacity to pay - Income tax, VAT, CST, Service Tax, Excise Duty, Octroi, TDS, ESI, FBT, Property Tax, Stamp Duty, CGT, Water Tax, Professional Tax, Road Tax, Education Cess, Congestion Levy and many more...

Besides, don't forget gunda hafta, bribes, donations, chanda, beggars etc.

If we have some time and money left after that, we will do some business!!

Cheers to the Booming Indian Economy!

Protests

2007-07-11T12:20:00.000+05:30

Turns out I couldn't go to the out of town factory today. Apparently, somewhere in this tiny municipality, someone got fired (where? whom? who knows!) and there was some rioting in protest. The mob broke some windows at another factory so all the other factories have closed for the day.

I've always wondered at protesters here. I mean - how does it help to break windows anywhere? How does it help to beat up managers who, most likely, have nothing to do with the protest? Most importantly, how come they have not realized that destroying public property has absolutely no effect on legislators - in fact, it only affects them as the tax paying public!!

The worst part is that the riots are usually started and propagated by so called "political workers" trying to vie for political supremacy with the ruling party. Is there no other way they can get attention? Instead they riot and cause damage in aid of some hot button cause that no one thought was a cause in the first place!

And of course, the effect on innocent parties like us is that our shipments cannot leave on time, we cannot deliver on our promises and our reputation is mud. Thanks to some moron who couldn't hold down a job.

Musings on Incompetence

2007-07-10T18:35:00.000+05:30

Why can't people do what they are told? Why is it necessary for me to check, re-check and cross-check again that the task I have assigned is being done?

It seems that some people are quite content sleep walking through life (my dad's words). Others honestly believe that, if they cannot give me information I have requested in time, I will completely forget that I asked for it. Huh??

Thanks to the immense idiocy of certain unnamed parties and the lack of attention of others, I have to go out of town tomorrow to figure out the extent of the bungling.

In Tj's words "Many a dark lord is thwarted by inept underlings". How true. How very true.

At work I am steadily working my way to becoming known as the dormant volcano. heh.

Travel!!

2007-07-05T18:49:00.000+05:30

G and I really enjoy travelling. Unfortunately for me, while working with Jet, I did the least amount of travelling I've ever done in my life - that is because the standard state of affairs there was "Emergency mode - all hands on deck". So despite having free tickets other such travel privileges, I never got leave enough to actually use the benefits!

This year G and I can't make any big trips either. For one thing, tickets aren't free any more, for another, I've become so busy with work that the thought of leaving for two whole weeks absolutely terrifies me.

We were planning to go to Egypt in October (one of the places on my absolutely must do list) with G's siblings - after my project was done, but before G's season started. But now that the project has been delayed by two weeks, that trip seems out of the question.

But no worries! We are about to finalize the one short vacation that we have been wanting to take forever - we are going to visit my sister and her husband in Dubai!! We are so excited! This trip is really long overdue - I am a terrible sister - I haven't visited her once despite her having moved there 2-1/2 years ago!

Kobi and Vik rank absolutely first in the most fun people I know and we are really looking forward to spending time with them! I need to break too - I am so ready to leave already that I am trying my best to stop myself packing my bag before the details are finalized! (I think G has already packed ;-) )

Discussions on Finance

2007-06-27T14:14:00.000+05:30

My Dad always comes up with the most hilarious jokes. They usually involve puns, but this one was a winner. He asks me at lunch today - "Did you hear that one about the guy who always got exact change from his pocket?" (we were discussing financing and I was asking him for money for new equipment)

'This guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. The waitress asks him what he wants and he says "A hamburger and fries"; the ostrich also orders the same thing. When the meal is over and the check is presented, the man reaches into his pocket and takes out the exact change - $13.98 - without even looking into his wallet.

The next day the guy comes in with the ostrich and orders a hamburger and fries again. The ostrich too orders the same thing as the man. As before the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change! The waitress is gobsmacked!

This ritual goes on for the whole week, but on Sunday, when the waitress asks if they will have the usual, the man says "No, since it's Sunday, I'll have the steak and potatoes with all the fixings"; she turns to the ostrich who orders the same thing again. At the end of the meal, the man again takes out the exact change from his pocket again - this time $40.13.

The waitress can't contain her curiosity anymore and asks the man how he plans his finances so well.

"You see", says the man, "some time ago I found a magic lamp and when I rubbed it, a genie came out and granted me two wishes. I wished that, whenever I wanted to purchase anything, the exact amount would be available in my pocket."

"That's an amazing wish!" says the waitress, "if you'd wished for a million dollars, you would have been worried about the money finishing; this way, you always have money to get what you want!! So, what was your other wish?"

The man looks at her morosely "I wished for a chick with long legs and a big ass who always agreed with me...." '

My dad is such a star :-)

Joining the Wireless generation

2007-06-26T22:45:00.000+05:30

Okay... so with a bit of nagging on my behalf and a really huge push on Amit's behalf, we finally joined the wire-free generation. So now we can log on to the net while laying around in bed!! I was pretty excited about it, but here is a recount of the first evening we spent using the wireless connection.

We decide to log on while Prison Break is playing because it bores me sometimes. G loves it. Tonight, instead of watching TV (our usual medium of winding down at night) we are on the net checking email, chatting with a few friends, playing with some photos when we start chatting with each other!!!

My take - at least we found a method of communication!

A Dinner Party

2007-05-18T16:31:00.000+05:30

So G and I invited some people over to dinner Wednesday night. It wasn't the first time we'd invited G's friends, but it was the first time we invited mine. And this wasn't going to be like one of those spontaneous evenings when everyone calls and says they'll be right over for a couple of drinks that turn into dinner - no, we were actually planning this one 4 (!!) whole days in advance.

To tell you the truth, after helping out the moms for ages and planning way wilder singles bashes, I was really eager to plan a nice dinner. I mean, I'm married, I live in a nice house, I have wonderfully complaisant (not to mention utterly helpful) in-laws, I'm freaking 30 years old AND I don't have kids. It's about time I got into some frou-frou entertaining!

So we planned our guest list carefully - three couples and us. Fours couples... It didn't seem that many so I decided to flex my cooking muscles and make a nice dinner. Stuffed chicken, two salads and veggies - lots of starters. Couldn't go wrong, right?

Umm.. no... first, because we were hanging out together, we invited G's brother and his wife along. Then G decided to invite along his two single friends as well. Not too many? Count it like this - 8 guests + 6 family (in-laws included) and it turned out I had to cook for FOURTEEN people!! Any other, more sensible person would have quailed at the thought, but I decided to be heroic and go for it.

I didn't count on G's excitement. He MADE me sit down and write out the menu, asked me a hundred times when I was planning to shop and cook, which crockery and cutlery I planned to use, told me what he was going to serve for drinks, what he was planning to wear and then warned me that I had better come home early from work on the day of the dinner.

Then he made sure the house was polished from top to bottom and yelled at the maid because she wasn't dusting in the corners (ok she deserved that one). He then proceeded to tell me that my menu was definitely going to be insufficient, so I had to add lasagna to the menu (G's mum offered to make spinach crepes for our sole vegetarian guest) as well as shrimp cocktail (the easiest thing possible) to the starters.

With my expanded menu I started cooking a day early. It took me three hours to prep the lasagna and make the stuffing and coating for the chicken. G's mum really helped me out - she's a star. But the thing that panicked us (me, mummy and the maid) was G standing in the kitchen asking if everything was done yet and INSISTING that we STILL did not have enough food. He even ran down to get us more chicken!

Come the day of the dinner, G's bar was set up even before I got home. I got straight to work and made the salads, boiled the shrimp, glazed the carrots, stir-fried the beans and steamed the broccoli (yes I did!). G's mum helped me stuff the chicken. Then we arranged everything beautifully on a platter.

G, meanwhile, kept ducking his head in the door to instruct me on serving strategy. Finally he dragged me out of the kitchen at 7:00 P.M. and literally threw me into the shower. We were done by then, but I really wanted to just sit down for five minutes. So we were dressed and ready, seated in the living room, with mood lighting on, candles burning, the house and kitchen clean and sparkling by 8:00 P.M. We were also completely exhausted.

The most hilarious part of the evening was that our guests didn't show up till 9:30 P.M. and I was already two glasses of wine down by then!! We had a lovely evening, but sadly I discovered that no one was interested in the food till 1:00 A.M. because our appetizers had been so plentiful.

Oh yes! We also had enough food left for one more party of the same size.
*splap* - the sound of my palm hitting my forehead.

Learnings -
1. G never gets to decide on food quantities again
2. G is a great party planner and executor, but next time he is going to have to chill out a bit
3. Feed 'em plenty of appetizers and regale them with drink but go easy on the food
4. 8:30 P.M. means anywhere between 9:30 and 11:30 P.M
5. Don't plan fun on a school night
6. Reheating chicken 4 times dries it out - completely

Enjoy!!

2007-05-18T16:28:00.000+05:30

Create Your Own PaloozaHead - Visit Lollapalooza.com

In honour of G's addiction to all things trance.

Genius yes, but tortured??

2007-04-20T14:45:00.000+05:30

HAHAHAHAHA - I just had to put this in!!!

You Are 83% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood.
Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

Id, Ego or Superego

2007-04-20T14:17:00.000+05:30

I was fooling around looking at different tests to do on the net and I came across this. It was the only interesting one on a website whose tests mostly try to tell you what your "falling in love" style is (wow, I didn't know that I was obsessive compulsive about men in kilts!) or "what kind of kisser" you are (pucker up computer) or even "what kind of holiday food" you are (I'm a stollen???!).

The result wasn't anything I didn't already suspect. I've always known that I am the ultra-sophisticate right until the moment I have too many vodka martinis. That's when my id makes its random appearance - fortunately the rest of me is so drunk that the id can't do much more than attempt to smooch my husband in public (while he tries holding me up) and then collapse in a giggling heap.

For those of you who haven't yet figured out the differences between the superego, the ego and the id, I've included special definitions of all three. (hurrah dictionary.com). Take the test and tell me what dominates your personality.

In the meanwhile, I will suffer the consequences of trying to coax my id out into the open last night.

su·per·e·go
Psychoanalysis. the part of the personality representing the conscience, formed in early life by internalization of the standards of parents and other models of behavior.

e·go
Psychoanalysis. the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.

id
Psychoanalysis. the part of the psyche, residing in the unconscious, that is the source of instinctive impulses that seek satisfaction in accordance with the pleasure principle and are modified by the ego and the superego before they are given overt expression.

You Are the Super Ego

While some people may think first and act later... you often don't act at all.
You rather be safe than sorry, and you take ethics pretty seriously.
Like everyone, you have some pretty crazy desires. But unlike everyone, you restrain yourself.
You have high standards for your own behavior. And you happily exceed them.

Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

Summertime!

2007-04-13T14:59:00.000+05:30

Have I ever mentioned that my mother is really quirky? One of her quirks, which used to bemuse me as a kid, I now find quite endearing. Every time I travel in the car with my mother, she points out trees (in between comments on my life's plans).

Yes... trees. Whenever we drive anywhere out of Mumbai, she points out rain-trees, eucalyptus (the governments' wholesale planting of which irks her immensely), peltoforums, gulmohurs, ashokas, silver oaks, banyans... you see it, she names it. She is a lexicon.

The trees were a matter of peripheral interest to me when I was a kid. Though my mother has passed on to me her talent for dripping any kind of food on my clothes, getting an upset stomach on eating anywhere and the ability to appreciate good art, her green thumb has eluded me.

Inspired, I once tried keeping a standard bamboo plant in my office, but despite my utmost care, it died a tragic and ignominious death. It traumatised me so much that, when someone suggested I keep a money plant in my office for luck, I promptly went out and bought a fake one. Bad feng-shui? Perhaps, but I don't think I could have tolerated another such death at my hands.

"It's the time of year for peltoforums", said Mom in the car today. Every few minutes she pointed out trees along our route. I dutifully squinted, bent and craned my neck in every direction she indicated and did not expect to see much more than the dusty trees I usually see along the route.

Somehow today, it was different. High above the mess that are Mumbai's roads, rose the peltoforums crowned in the all the shades of yellow from pale lemon to bright gold. What a contrast they made to the traffic and the noise! How many years they must have stood there watching wryly the confusion of human vanities below!

It must have been my mood, because I saw all them shiny and brilliant - like the world seems after you've laughed out loud. And strangely, despite the heat and the guy honking right in my ear, I felt truly happy. The kind of happiness you feel when you are unexpectedly treated as precious - the kind that gives you an afterglow of joy.

The moment is still with me and I still feel so cheerful right now.

Someone's running scared!!

2007-04-12T16:55:00.000+05:30

Looks like those aliens are running scared...

After yesterday's blog, I tried the IQ test yet again (keep in mind, they don't give you the answers so I could not have corrected mistakes - I didn't know what those mistakes were in the first place). Turns out that my IQ levels have returned overnight... (either that or I was knackered yesterday)

One more thing - just what the heck is a Regional Genius?
Any ideas??

And I used to be a genius!!

2007-04-11T17:59:00.001+05:30

Maybe my brain power is being drained by aliens conducting strange and awful experiments.

Oh well... plenty to spare ;-)

The Dichotomy of Luxury

2007-04-10T11:36:00.000+05:30

I come from a family with a very strong Maharashtrian roots and sometimes it's weird to reconcile the community's emphasis on a lack of ostentation with what I see around me of life in Mumbai. Growing up, even though we had all our luxuries, my dad always wanted to not "show off" by not having a big car or taking ultra luxury holidays or throwing huge parties and buying lots of designer clothes. Something from my childhood always taught me to look down on people who sought to increase their self and social worth with a show of money.

Going to college, even though it was in the US, I learned to be a bleeding heart liberal. The kids at that school had to have well-off parents to afford to send them there, but there was a tacit understanding that money, and the having of it, made you a sell-out somehow. I learned quite early to mask just how privileged I was in my home country. What a shocker it was going to business school! We were learning how to make money! We were being taught that expanding ones business and professional interests and making money was good! A total 180!

When I came back to Mumbai after the ISB, the young professionals who were my friends focussed my outlook on the people who were "doing well" - i.e. working their asses off and getting promoted 10 times every year. Those were the great ones - pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, making their own roads and getting ahead fuelled only by brains, ambition and the sheer ability to suck up better than the next guy.

It was at this time that I finally stopped being a student and "re-entered" society as an eligible matrimonial catch (don't go there). I started spending time with friends from school, friends of friends, kids of friends of the family - you get the picture - and here I came across a totally different breed. These were the people who, unlike my professional friends, were inured to luxury. And they weren't apologetic for it either! In this circle the fast cars, designer clothes and where you live really mattered!

Honestly, it's been a weird experience trying to reconcile all my different points of view. Recently though I find myself wanting the good life more and more. I still scoff at the show-offs and still believe that money can buy you things, but not class. But all of a sudden I'm thinking - wouldn't it be nice to own that house at the fancy address or go on five-star vacations three times a year (I watch way too many programs on Travel and Lifestyle)?

Of course, wanting to spend a load of money doesn't mean that you can. Since my husband and I are building up our businesses, we don't have that kind of money yet. But here's the part I'm not so sure about - does the desire to unapologetically enjoy wealth, despite the fact that I cannot at this time, mean that I have forsaken my previously professed values? Or do I have to wait till I have bought my third Porsche? Or is it not a question of values at all?

All I know is that, after I've made my first few crores, I'm going to get me a fancy car and one of those memberships at the latest clubs. I'll hand the keys over to my favoured valet, strut past the long line waiting to get in, condescend to chat with an obsequious manager and snottily join the hoi-polloi in the members' only lounge. Or maybe not... clubs are so passe.

Life and Work

2007-03-22T22:23:00.000+05:30

It's been all of three weeks since I joined the family business. I feel great so far! Granted, most the things I am doing right now are merely urgent as opposed to important, but it's what I've needed - a sense of movement to get back my enthusiasm for work.

Lethargy is fading away and I have been running all over the place. My mind is filled with ideas, possibilities and plans at all times and I feel more exuberantly happy than I have in ages.

I admit I am a bit nervous about striking out on my own. I know, I know, joining the family business is hardly striking out on my own, but ever since I've joined I have realised how strongly my dad wants to resign and sit on the internet and read and travel now. He does not want the problems of day to day running of the business. I have only two years to learn everything he can teach me before I can make the right decisions. After that, Sigma will be my responsibility.

It's a huge responsibility and if I were my old, hesitant self, I would cavil at it. But right now, I feel so positive and so confident. I hope I can continue like this for a long time to come.

I'm also feeling so much more positive about my relationship with Tejus as well. He appreciates my wider experience and I really appreciate that he is dedicated to ANS. We are both learning from one another and our relationship is strengthning. He needs a mentor and I know I can mentor him till he is ready to become my partner - I need him.

I love what I am doing. I know I can do it!

Love free from doubt

2007-02-08T12:02:00.000+05:30

I've been looking at all the stuff I have pinned to the walls in my office and wondering what to take with me. I don't want to taken anything that reminds me of this place but I don't want to leave behind anything that appeals to me emotionally.

While I was looking around (which looks suspiciously like staring into empty space), I saw a poem that brings up bubbles of emotion every time I read it. I love prose, but something about poetry touches me. I feel a poem more deeply than I ever feel prose.

So here's one of my favourite poems:

Touched By An Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
We dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be
Yet it is only love
that sets us free

--- Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou is one of my favourite poets. From the first time I read "Phenomenal Woman", I've been totally hooked onto her work. She writes since she writes from the perspective of a Black American woman, but her poems appeal to me nonetheless. I believe she wrote this poem for that extremely cloying series "Touched By an Angel". I remember seeing reruns of it ages ago and not particularly liking it - I presume it was the unabashedly Christian theme with which I couldn't identify. The impact of this poem doesn't change despite the knowledge that it was based on a series I disliked.

I love the imagery here - Love personified leaves it's temple to arrive into our lives like a benediction. That's when we are freed from the shackles of loneliness and everything is brighter, more cheerful and most importantly worth the living.

The next verse gets to the heart of love - the wave of emotions associated with a new love - ecstacy and joy from living in the present and memories of other loves lost or fear from painful experiences and rejections in our past. We have to be strong and commit to love before we can experience the certainty of love - one of the greatest joys.

The best part is the end - when we are hit with the realization that love, in return for its blessings, expects and takes all that we are and all we will ever be. It is only complete commitment - complete submission - to love that will lift the burdens off our shoulders and allow us to be everything that we want to be.

This poem applies to both God and your significant other and l like it on both levels. Too often our commitments to our spirituality or to our partner are not complete. We keep a part of ourselves aside so if we are ever questioned - we can say "well, I wasn't completely sure". Complete commitment equals certainty equals freedom from constant self-questioning.

Of course, I'm not advocating being so certain as to be a fanatic or an evagelist, but certain enough to allow yourself freedom from constant doubt. After all, isn't that just a little bit more peace?

Finally doing the right thing for me

2007-02-07T17:23:00.000+05:30

I've been meaning to write a lot more than this, but my life has suddenly taken a turn for the quite busy. I've been doing a lot of thinking (especially at work ;-) ) about what I want my life to look like and how to reconcile the differences with what it is right now.

The best thing I've done for myself this year is that I have quit my job. I hate this job, I really do. The countless frustrations, humiliations, ego hassles and lack of opportunities I've encountered in this godforsaken organization will soon be in the far past. This is something I should have done ages ago and didn't - for all the wrong reasons like money, perks and privileges but most of all because I HATE to say I failed at something I put my heart and soul into.

I treated the work here like it was my own. I took ownership for it and worked hard to get things done. It was such a major disappointment to realize that hard work was nowhere near enough. All tasks assigned to me were my responsibilities, but I never had any authority to actually get them done. In the meanwhile, other people delayed, screwed up and made a mess only to have it look like it was my fault. And you can't complain about it can you? You can't say "but it was so-and-so's fault, not mine, don't judge me", it makes you sound like you are a whiner, that you are shirking your responsibility or that you are just plain inefficient.

Because of this level of idiocy, I could never get anything done and the organization itself has been suffering. And THAT, ladies and gentlmen, is why we never do any work unless it is ultra urgent. The result, of course, is that all decisions (even the minor ones) are handled by the top brass only. How can a growing organization survive like this? I have no idea, but I have to jump this ship before I can find out first hand.

I have to leave for my own sanity. The thing I cannot forgive most of all is that this job made me question my own abilities - it made me ask myself whether or not I can actually complete a job. Today I realize that I have never failed miserably at anything like this before - and promise myself that I never will again. One of my favourite quotations is "Pain in inevitable, Suffering is optional" - I can't believe I didn't take that to heart and suffered through these ridiculous circumstances for 4.5 years! What in the world was I thinking??!!

I have a new purpose now and new goals. I know these will be just as hard and the stakes are so very much higher. But at least I know the odds will not be stacked against me from the very first.

Through my ruminations I've also realized that the most important thing for me is mental peace. That is all that is missing - it's a moving goal, I know, but this time the objective is certain. Wish me luck!

I'm in love - eeps!

2007-01-18T17:04:00.000+05:30

G's courtship of me was strange. He wasn't one of those guys who riled you up by paying you loads of attention for a while and then mindf__ed you by not calling you at all. He was steady and played no games from Day One. From the time that he first asked me out, I was sure that it wouldn't really work for us. G was meant to be a fling. In fact - HE was the one who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and if that was what I expected, I would be disappointed. I took him at his word and, since I was sure we had no long term prospects, I never played any games with him either - and I never pretended to be anyone but myself.

Still - he was always there and though he wasn't into talking philosophy and art, we still managed to have a great time together. In fact, our lack of common interest was what convinced me that he was definitely not the right person for me. Right until the middle of 2005 I was telling myself (and friends) that i was about to break up with him. That was until I found out that it wasn't that he wasn't interested in the same things as I, he just wasn't as loquacious.

Other things became apparent as well. The most important was that, whenever I needed him, he was there for me. When Nats and I got totally wasted on bhaang on Holi in 2005, G was the only person I called and he came over, picked us up and took us home... despite the fact that we'd only been dating a couple of months, that the car belonged to his brother and had white towelling on the seats and that we looked like very wet and very bedraggled purple people eaters.

At some point in time I started believing that there was no trouble he couldn't get me out of and that there was no one I would contact before I contacted him. That is still true. Heck, he's turned me into those starry eyed man worshipping misses who, if anyone says "Oh I was wondering how to get this done", will tell them breathily and in complete sincerity "I bet G'll know - I'll ask him for you". Dude - I must be annoying but I can't help it.

In the end I realized that I had always looked for a guy who understood me, but I always failed at that because I didn't ever really understand myself. Instead what I really needed was a guy who accepted that I was always going to be a little quirky - and that I got. I wanted a man who knew what I was feeling without me telling him so, but that's hardly possible - but even so, G is more perceptive than most. I never wanted a guy to take care of me, but I realized there is a big difference between needing someone to take care of you and enjoying being taken care of anyway.

Now that I've married G, I've also realized that, even though the institution has the drawbacks of which I was always warned (hey, I grew up a feminist), it has the most incredible benefits. I love that G is home (most days) when I get home from work. I love that we cuddle at night and wake up tangled up with each other in the mornings. I even love cooking (experimentally, of course) for him! I love that when we're at a party or a dinner, we might not be sitting together, but I merely have to catch his eye to know how he is feeling and vice versa.

Most importantly, we're getting closer and closer. We talk more and listen more. We spend time with one another and it's becoming easier and easier to express our feelings to one another. And we can laugh and be silly and be gross and it still makes us feel good to be together. When we have special moments, I feel like my heart could burst with happiness - happiness with an underlying feeling of peace and serenity.

I've fallen more deeply in love with my husband than I ever thought was possible.

If a tree falls in a forest...

2007-01-18T14:35:00.000+05:30

You know the old question - "If a tree falls in a forest and there was no one around to hear it, did it make a sound?"

I've always thought the answer to that would be "of course" - sound is created and travels independantly of witnesses. But, if there were a purpose to sound, would the answer still apply? Suppose the sound were meant to convey something and it couldn't for lack of witnesses, would it make a difference that the sound did in fact exist in place of silence?

If you haven't guessed yet, I am trying to extend this metaphor to myself. Here I am writing my little heart out (ok, intermittently because I am not that regular) and I KNOW no one is really reading this at all. So does it make a difference whether I write or not? Obviously that depends on the purpose of my writing. If I were writing to rile up the public, writing to rail against injustice, writing to ask for help or hope or popularity or whatever, it matters so much that someone is reading.

That, fortunately, is not why I am writing. I'm trying to use this blog as an outlet for my own thoughts. With everyone in the world, even your closest friend you have to temper your speech, censor the subject and excise words that you think may hurt. In short, you're never really yourself with anyone... ever...

Writing like this, for me, is the equivalent of the being that tree in the forest that no one hears. It is my version of going to a private corner to scream my lungs out without someone adding "Priya, that was WAY too loud". And for that purpose, this really works for me. I'd love to have readers, but I really don't mind either way. :-)

Manly Obsession...

2007-01-10T19:26:00.000+05:30

Today a close buddy of mine called me and we chatted for ages on the nature of relationships. I don't know how it came about that we started talking about it, but he suddenly mentioned that he had told his sister that most Indian men become obsessive in relationships. It was an epiphany for the sister - she had to take a step back and think about it.

I had to agree almost immediately. Of COURSE Indian men get obsessive in relationships - it's part of their conditioning. We see it all around us - our films tell us obsession is good, as do our stories and it's demonstrated in the relationships our friends end up having. We've grown up in a culture where the the sexes are separated (not completely, and certainly less than they used to be) till the age of puberty. After that, the entire culture tells us that the highest virtue is to fall in love and get married.

Since we have no un-taboo word for lust, young boys mostly confuse love with lust. When they meet the first person with whom they fall in lust, they think of it, not as a manifestation of love, but as love itself! In fact, young men in India fall in love with the idea of love rather than the person! Obviously they get obsessed - and the obsession follows them after the relationship is over - perhaps because they believe the love would not end (what happened to happily ever after) , perhaps they can't quite believe that they have failed in this one great holy mission (in the movies, the characters that lose love always die).

The thing is, it's not all their fault either. Most Indian woman wouldn't quite credit a man who wasn't obsessive in a serious relationship. While I was still dating my husband, it was cool that he didn't need to be around me all the time and didn't mind if I hung out with my buddies more than with him; but know I would be seriously disturbed if he didn't want to be with me all the time now that he's my husband. I LIKE that he sulks if I don't come straight home to him, I LIKE that he gives dirty looks to those who hit on me, I LIKE that he looks on me as his holy mission (ok, within limits). It's that bit of possessiveness that I never thought I would like and I do!

So - if the mighty can fall - so can anyone and the Indian man has been given the permission to obsess. BUT, as younger people understand the nature of relationships better, as the roles of men and women equalize and are freed from the shackles of traditional beliefs, this is going to change. Perhaps we are the last obsessive generation - you NEVER know. :-)

AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!

2007-01-10T18:47:00.000+05:30

Ok, whatever good mood I had in the morning totally disappeared after my afternoon negotiation session. It's not even the fault of my vendor. The woman I want to kill is my very own coworker.

She KNOWS we have a deadline, she knows we're desperate for this engine, she even knows we've lost one delivery date thanks to our own tardiness, but does she actually understand what everyone is saying - NO! Does she understand that a negotiation means GIVE and TAKE? NO! Does she understand that lost causes are not worth arguing over? NO! Does she understand that sticking to unreasonable positions will just screw up the process? NO! I swear I wanted to drive a stake through her heart. I bet she would have shrivelled into dust. Everytime she comes into the room and starts her interminable whining, my hackles rise and I want to be absolutely anywhere but there.

And our lawyer - that woman is a freaking know-it-all who applies the wrong principles to the wrong subjects and then proceeds to become "unavailable" for meetings and conference calls leaving me to make her excuses. On top of that she pulls the "I know so much more than you" attitude on the vendor and totally screws up the goodwill I've built over the years.

This double act has ruined my day and I feel like owe my vendor an apology for our absolutely ridiculous afternoon. To top it all off, the meeting is still not finished though it is 6:30 PM and is definitely likely to continue for another 2 hours, thus ruining my chance to get in my evening run and MAKING me eat the snack biscuits available on the table in sheer desperation and stress. And I had an extra half cup of black coffee so now I have acidity too. BUGGER!

Did I mention how much I HATE this job??!! I can't wait for my boss to come back to work on Monday so I can RESIGN. It will be the sweetest revenge ever. HAHAHAHAHA!

Reading India

2007-01-08T11:38:00.000+05:30

I've been reading like an obsessive person over the recent few weeks. I finished (finally) Vikram Seth's A Suitable Boy, Kiran Desai's The Inheritance of Loss and now I am reading Gregory Maguire's Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West.

I really liked all three books (I'm not done with the last yet), though Kiran Desai's was a bit depressing as is the wont of Indian writers. However, it was actually pretty good. I was really afraid that I would have to read it and hate it - like The Namesake or the books of the latest "It" Indian authors or worse, the idiot ABCDs who think they are authorities on India. The problem being, of course, that they don't write by looking inward, but by addressing an audience. In fact, I really hate Indian authors who write for a western audience. I hate when they try to explain "chapatti" as "a flat piece of unleavened bread". Oh for god's sake!! It totally disrupts the flow of the narrative and it lectures the reader - heck, if the reader is so interested, let him google chapatti!

Indian authors' writing for a western audience are trying to do one of two things - a) demystify the "exotic" East by explaining life in India. How does one explain something that is so subtle, so broad and so complicated? How does one explain a large crystal giving off light from a million facets? There's a similarity in the basic structure, but does one explain the colours and light and effect of each facet? and b) trying to emphasize the exoticism. Isn't it incredibly exotic that we have to go to all these festivals and meet all these incredibly interesting large families with largely stereotypical family members. And we all do yoga and breathe right and the concept of karma is always at the top our our minds.

I detest authors who write like this because this is anything but my reality of India. Instead it's some strange caricature of my world seen from the outside. It's like the English who would come to India and write about the "natives" and malaria and misname every city, every dish and every basic Indian truth.

Anyway - it turned out Inheritance of Loss was not a book like the ones described above. I identified (even identified with) every single character in the book. I loved the way the author started out the character with a characteristic and then built and built the back story, skipping between times and places in such a way that, by the time the book was over, I'd been through every kind of emotion and each of the character's foibles stood explained.

Even better than Inheritance of Loss, however, was A Suitable Boy. The detail in the book! The understanding of the political situation, religious customs, social customs, the balance between western and eastern values, urban and rural, etc. It was incredible! It's really a book worth reading. I love that each situation was intricately drawn and described. I love that it didn't pander to any particular philosophy of life and that it just sketched the period of a year or so in the lives of these characters. I particularly loved the style of writing. I was a real learning experience for me.

A Suitable Boy took me forever to read though, because, when I come across a part that is difficult to read because of the power of the emotions or situations experienced by the characters, I have to put it aside for a bit. I do this to make sure I am not completely carried into the story, becoming so obsessive that the characters become people and I begin to brood on their concerns all the time - forgetting to live in the real world most days.

Now it seems I need to review each book I read separately because I haven't written all I meant to say about each book. Writing more here though, is a guarantee that no one (especially myself) will read through to the end of this text.

More later on the Wicked Witch of the West!

My favourite Quotations

2006-12-13T11:16:00.000+05:30

I've been in a massive, heart-pounding, running through the corridors hurry today. I started the morning with my kickboxing session. G's friend joined me this morning, but though I tried, I couldn't get G out of bed. Maybe I should have used a few of the kicks on him... hmmm...

Hemal tortured us this morning - but it was a great session. I ended up so tired, I actually went right back to sleep for half an hour - no wonder I'm late in today. No wonder I'm in a raging hurry. Ok, I am trying to calm down by writing this.

I thought today I'd put in some of my favourite quotations. These hang all around me at work. I've written them on little yellow post-it notes and they festoon my grey and rather cheerless cabin. Everyday the housekeeping guys come in and clean around them with water so all the edges are wrinkled up and the glue is coming off some of the notes. Whenever I need a break from work I get up, stretch and read some of them. They're silly, profound and meaningful by turn.

Here goes!

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere is that it has not tried to contact us"

"Whatever women do, they must do twice as well to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not hard" - Charlotte Whitton

"This project is extremely important, but it has no budget, no guidelines, no support staff and it's due tomorrow. At last, here's your chance to really impress everyone!" - from Randy Glasbergen's cartoon strip

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end tomorrow. It's already tomorrow in Australia!" - Charles Schulz (the creator of Peanuts)

"You must be the change you want to see in the world" - Mahatama Gandhi

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel"

"Any fool can handle a crisis, it's the day to day living that wears us out" - Anton Chekov

"Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away" - Antoine de Exupery

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world" - C.S. Lewis

"Roses are red, Violets are Blue, I am schizophrenic and so am I"

"You are a child of the universe,
No less than the stars and the trees,
And you have a right to be here,
And whether or not it is clear to you,
the Universe is unfolding as it should."
from 'Desiderata' by Max Ehrmann

"To endure oneself may be the hardest thing in the universe" - from 'Dune Messaiah' by Frank Herbert

A random Haiku -

Like misty moonlight
watery, bewildering
our temporal way
- Issa (1762 - 1826)

"Never argue with idiots; they bring you down to their own level and then beat you down with experience"

"Wherever I go, whatever I do, I constantly shout "I know what's going on!" just in case I'm on some hidden camera or something. You can never be too careful" (this from a greeting card)

"Is it 'butt' naked or 'buck' naked? These are the kinds of questions I come to you for" (also from a greeting card - actually I have this on the board for pure shock value)

And that's it! I was going to add a couple of poems that I have hanging up as well, but this blog has already become way longer than I expected. Who knew little pieces of paper could add up to so much verbiage?

Everyone, please note that I can't view my blog (except in the evenings) because my office has a webnanny that doesn't allow me to access pages with sex/acts in their description. How exactly I got that description on the site is beyond my imagination. Perhaps I'll figure it out someday.

Let me know what you think of the quotes!

First Blog - ever

2006-12-12T16:37:00.000+05:30

Hey!! The first one ever! wow!

I've been meaning to write a blog for the longest time and I haven't really gotten around to it. Blame it on work, blame it on the fact that I'm still living in an idyll - marriage wise - or blame it on the fact that I am too lazy to go to the other room in the evenings to use the internet connection there.

Actually, none of these things hold me back. What holds me back are the questions I always end up asking myself - what will I write? Do I have anything to say? If I do say something, will anyone care? Wait a minute, will I care if anyone cares? :-)

Who knows! For once I've decided not to think this through to its illogical extreme. I'm just going to suck it up and write - well, something or the other. I expect it to be a rant on most days - so stick with me if you don't mind random verbose outpourings. I expect they'll make sense some day or the other.

Right now, this is a test. Try me tomorrow.